Worse then better

So I’ve been experiencing depression.  Not surprising, really.  My life is upside down & surreal & god knows what else.  I was a complete basketcase for about a month – up one day, down the next, back and forth every day.  More recently, I’ve experienced one bad day for every 2 or 3, which I certainly recognize as an improvement.

This past week was particularly bad, after an incident Wednesday (a ‘friend’ hitting on me in a situation I couldn’t really get out of) – I found myself questioning, again, how safe the world really is and just how naive I am about men and what am I going to do about navigating the world alone and am I alone in a godless universe with nothing but despair and loneliness to look forward to until I die friendless & forgotten?  Yes, at that point I really have to take a breath, don’t I?  And, yes, I know how ridiculous it all is.  But from Thursday AM to about lunchtime today I was deep in the pit.  I’m better now.  I know I will always be better eventually, but I’m exhausted from those (often) sudden relapses into despair & loneliness.  They come upon me so suddenly sometimes I’m almost dizzy. 

I’m better now.  I really am.  I can laugh at myself again.

er, uh

I am, at this moment, drunk.  Sometimes, alcohol is the best option.

I am supposed to have a place at the beginning of August.  I am still waiting for the landlord in question to come back from vacation.  Nothing is real until a lease is signed.  Until then, I am homeless & anxiety prone.

In the past four months, I have gone from a size 8 (13o lbs) to a size 0 or 1 (105 lbs).  I’m 5′3″.  Think maybe I’m stressed?  Um, yeah.  People are beginning to tell me I’m too thin.  Mostly women, though.  And women are not always supportive of other women, where weight & appearance are involved.  Yeah, thanks.  It’s not like I have any control over it.

 At the same time, men I have had platonic friendships with for ages are beginning to make passes at me.  Which, honestly, pisses me off.  What is with fucking men?