Thanks, giving

I’m alone on Thanksgiving. I’ve been officially divorced since April, I live alone, I clearly don’t have a lot of close friends nearby. And even my parents prefer a long weekend in Tahoe over a holiday with their 2 daughters and 2 grandkids. If you’re thinking we’re not a close family, you’re right.

I lingered a long time in bed before getting up, listening to NPR just as confirmation that others exist out there in the wider world, but now that I am up, I’m having a fruit smoothie – I might stick to smoothies today, sort of a fast in response to what is usually a cultural orgy of food. I’ll read a little, taking a ‘bite’ of each of the 6 books I’m actively reading right now. Then sit at my altar and chant for as long as feels right. I’ll sit and ponder the state of my life right now. Then give proper thanks for it.

I thank you, God, for this opportunity to explore loneliness. I thank you, God, for this opportunity to be with myself, undistracted by my desperate efforts to be someone else that I convince myself would be more loveable. I thank you, God, for putting me in the perfect time and place to explore my Self.

Only one left

Before jumping into yoga, I wanted to say what I know a lot of others already have:  I never thought I’d see the day this country would elect a person of color as Commander-In-Chief.  I honestly wondered if it would happen in my lifetime.  It’s an exciting & extraordinary day.  I am so proud of us.  We’ve made a dramatic leap forward, and from now on, our world has changed.  This isn’t about politics.  This is about how we all now live in a world where a ‘Black President’ is no longer a pipe dream.  Young folks today will consider this no big woo in a couple  of years.  Think of it, any elementary school child today will, in four years, not even give this a second thought.  By the time they’re voting, it won’t even be a consideration.  And I mean that in a good way.  :

I’m still on my Yoga Challenge.  One class left!  Today was #59, and I was taking note during practice just how much has shifted since I came back to yoga in July, and especially how much has changed in the past few weeks. 

It’s true what they say about a Challenge – the middle is the hardest.  You really feel that from about day 20 to day 45 (at least, I did).  From about day 35 to 45, I just felt like shit every day.  By day 50, I felt pain in every joint, and was beginning to think it was never going to stop and that maybe I’d done something wrong, and had injured myself.  And I struggled to finish every class – I was so tired.  But it got better.  My hips are still not completely pain-free, but pretty close.  And I had a flare-up of sciatica pain in my left hip (this was new to me) about a week ago, that now seems to have passed completely.  I was concerned about it, and was super-gentle with my hips (no pulling in forward bends!) for several days, then it just went away, and now I’m pulling with no problems.  Funny thing is, I can clearly see how the pain (the joint pain and sciatica both) were part of my body’s physical realignment process, because once the pain was gone, my practice had clearly improved.  Almost like the fog clearing, and suddenly sunlight is brighter than you remember it ever being before.  As for the tiredness, the exhaustion, the fatigue – it was with me every day, every class, and suddenly it wasn’t.  Not that I’m bouncing around afterwards, but what I experienced for weeks and months was that by the middle of back strengthening series, I was beat.  I was whupped.  I was out of gas.  Then one day, I was okay.  Yes, the class tires me, but it doesn’t DRAIN me or EXHAUST me the way it did.  I have a fairly steady flow of energy through to the end of class.  This change happened around day 46 or 47, right about when the joint pain started (ironically).  

My hips are still at issue.  It will take time & lots of practice before I’m no longer duck-footed, knock-kneed, and crooked in the legs.  My hips continue to realign, but I feel something dramatic has happened inside the joint, and I’m no longer experiencing that sharp pain in postures where I bend at the hips.  I think this is a sign that the tissues that needed to soften and loosen are doing so, while the tissues that needed to strengthen and tighten are doing their part.  I think one day I will suddenly notice that my knees are properly aligned to my feet, and my leg will be a straight line all the way up to the hips.  Someday, someday …

So, one more class to finish the 60 Day Challenge.  That will be tomorrow.  The day after that is my birthday (no yoga on my birthday).  I’ll take a day or two off, then come back full force to my usual 5 or 6 days a week.  Maybe I’ll keep tracking to 100 days, just to see what else feels different by then.

Here’s what’s what:

Pranayama Breathing:  my knees are nicely locked, provided my toes are separated.  (Again, this is a modification for how knock-kneed I am – my goal is to keep my knees straight to the mirror, rather than my toes & heels touching)  I begin the class with my toes further out, then I move them in as the Standing Series continues.  It’s an ongoing process of me testing my stability and testing where my hips go when I lock the knees.  I look forward to not having that distraction, eventually.  I’m constantly checking my feet.  After the first couple of breaths, my neck & shoulders are pretty warmed up; my neck goes way back with no problem, my shoulders get more comfortable with each breath. 

Half Moon w/ Forward Bending:  again, the knees are nicely locked, and I experiment with bringing the toes together more.  When my fingers meet over my head, my elbows almost lock now, and my shoulders are noticeably looser.  I can bring my arms just a little behind my ears now, and keep them there for the most part.  This one USED to be my nemesis, and now I really look forward to getting into it to see how my body feels.  My shoulders no longer scream at me through this entire posture.  My sidebends reach a fairly consistent crescent shape, but I have a tendency to backbend slightly rather than stay straight.  The dialogue tells us to move the upper body back slightly, but I already have a bit of an arch so I have a head start.  So what I need to do is pull upward rather than backward.  My back bend is getting very strong, and feeling good.  Where my legs used to burn and feel as though they wouldn’t support me, they now feel strong & locked.  I always see the floor in back bending.  I do need to keep working on my arms (locking the elbows, pulling them back).  Forward bending is more challenging for me – the first one is just a warmup, and when my hips were hurting I could barely get into position before the posture was over.  Now, I get into it early enough to get my lower back started stretching in the first one, and the second set I am closer & closer to (someday) locking my knees.  And for the most part, this whole series feels good (tough, straining, hard work – yes; but not painful, overwhelming, or impossible to complete)

Awkward:  First part is easy.  I sit way way down, then arch my back.  My legs feel quite strong here.  Second part’s challenge is the balancing on my toes.  Again, it has to do with hips and how the misalignment in my legs leads my feet to be in a slightly different position than someone with properly straight legs.  That’s not an excuse, just what I’m working with.  Some days are fine, other days not so.  I’m moving incrementally deeper into this posture and I feel good about my progress.  I consistently go to my edge with this.  Third part is still tough, but today I almost felt ‘light’.  The arms truly are important with this series.  The more locked the arms, the lighter the torso.  I still lose this one from time to time, but I can tell I am closer and closer to staying in it and staying in proper alignment coming out.  Hardest thing is maintaining a straight back coming out; second hardest thing is keeping the knees pressing together throughout.

Eagle:  this is my nemesis right now.  Ever since my hips started their movement several weeks ago, Eagle has been very very challenging for me.  Standing on the left leg, twisting the right over has been difficult to not-doable much of the time.  It seems the left hip tightened up in a strange way that prevents it from moving in towards the body just that little bit that I count on to be able to wrap the legs together.  Also, my left leg is the slightly weaker leg anyway, so staying balanced on that side is tougher.  It’s getting better and better every day, but it’s not what it was when I first started.  Right side’s usually fine, though.  If I’m having a ‘no balance day’, I fall out on both sides.  Alas. 

Balancing Series:  in this series, it’s the balance itself that continues to vex me.  It’s all about my crooked legs.  I am forced to reposition my feet before every posture, just to see where it is they need to be to keep me stable.  Standing Head to Knee is dramatically stronger than when I started.  In the past couple of weeks, I realized I could lock the lifted knee, and that’s made a huge positive dent in my yoga self esteem.    I’m still a mess going into it, though - I rock from side to side as I try to get my hands locked under my foot, one hand at a time grabbing the bottom then working them together.  Sometimes I fall out just from that, before I’m actually in the set up to the posture!  I don’t know what needs to release to move me past that awkwardness – my shoulders, my back, what?  Standing Bow, however, has gotten worse over time.  My standing split is getting better, but I can’t stay in the posture long enough to really focus on that!  I fall out every single time, several times.  Again, it’s the feet & legs – if my standing foot is straight, my body is crooked & I fall out sideways.  If my standing foot is turned out, my body is straighter, but I fall forward.  Can’t seem to win.  I think when Standing Bow comes together, I shall be perfectly aligned at last.  So it could be years!    Balancing Stick is legitimately better these days – I’m much stronger with the right standing leg than the left; with the sets on the right leg, I am straight & balanced, with the sets on the left I have great difficulty straightening up and not listing to one side.  I think it’s a simple fact that my right leg is stronger.  I noticed a couple of weeks ago, though, that when I step forward my foot is straight, automatically (both sides) – no turning outward!  This is another exciting sign of realignment. 

Enough for now.  I’ll continue with these reflections another time …

Emotional commotion in the body

Well, I took a little break from blogging.  I just don’t have the talent to make every daily blog about yoga … interesting.  Some people do, but I even bore myself. 

I’ve had a few other things going on in my life – including working on my relationships a little bit.  I’ve been looking at how and why I become emotionally attached to some people, and at what point that turns into an unhealthy attachment that does not serve my highest good.  Like I said, had a few other things going on.   

This caused me to take a couple of extra days off from yoga over the past few weeks, so I’m now further behind on my challenge than I expected I would be.  But that is life.  What I love about the Yoga, though, is how each day I get to assess where I *really* am emotionally, outside of what my conscious mind tells me. 

I’ve discovered there are certain postures which are more or less challenging, depending on where I am emotionally or psychologically, and which serve as indicators for me of just where I am that day.  For me, they are Eagle, the four one legged balancing postures (Standing Head to Knee, Standing Bow, Balancing Stick, Tree), and the two Locusts (half & full).  Eagle tells me about my relationships to certain people in my life, and how well I am managing them.  The balancing postures tell me how I feel about standing on my own feet – whether I feel competent to manage my own life that day, and whether I feel, well, ‘balanced’.  And if I’m simply feeling overwhelmed by whatever emotional commotion I’m experiencing, it’ll show by me feeling completely nauseous and weak in the Locusts.  So each class is a new discovery – am I strong today?  am I balanced today?  am I sad & sick & lonely today?

The thing with Eagle right now is more than a bit frustrating.  Eagle used to be super-easy for me.  I could wrap my raised leg around my standing leg with no problem, my foot easily hooked around my standing calf, on both sides; and it felt good to wrap my arms around each other to free the shoulders (my tight tight shoulders love Eagle).  But then my hips began to realign, and the LEFT hip tightened up – so first side of Eagle, standing on the left foot, I could no longer get my right foot around my calf, and sometimes I completely fall out; I’m only now, after months of this backsliding, beginning to occasionally wrap my right foot back around my left calf.  I still have pain in the left hip.  Right side’s still pretty easy to wrap, but I still lose it occasionally.  So funny, because it was one of the only postures I could manage when I first started, and on the surface it’s almost as though the yoga has stiffened my joints rather than freeing them.  I recognize that it all has to do with realignment, and that eventually it will improve to the point where I find myself stronger and more flexible than when I began, but the irony of feeling that I’m moving backward instead of forward is not lost on me.  Such is life – we think we’re moving backward when we’re really moving forward.  One day we wake up to discover we’ve processed out a lot of old feeling, and we have actually leapt forward.

In other yoga news, I really am feeling as though I’m finally moving out of the plateau stage I was in for so long.  Just in the past few days, I’ve experienced my hamstrings finally (finally!) stretching – I can actually straighten my lifted leg in Standing Head to Knee.  This is also indicative of a slight release in my shoulders, as well.  In Hands to Feet (last part of Half Moon), the pain and stiffness in my hips is lessening, and though it still takes pretty much the entire first set to get completely positioned to start the stretch, I am able to move right into it in the second & my legs are getting closer and closer to straight.  I discovered last night, just goofing off at home, that I can – for the first time in my adult life – bend forward with straight legs and place my palms on the floor.  This is quite extraordinary.  I’ve always said my legs were too long and my arms were too short.    The palms weren’t totally flat, but still.  So, what do loose(r) hamstrings mean?  I’m not sure yet.  I’ll figure it out eventually.

45 Day Challenge

45 Days is not an ‘official’ challenge at all.  But 45 classes in 45 days is where I feel complete with the ‘challenge’ aspect of my yoga, at this time.  It’s a good figure.  If I wasn’t going away in a little over a week (creating a 5 day interruption in a potential 60 day challenge), I would have simply continued to 60 days, just to do it. But I seem to be at a point where I’m stronger if I take a day off once a week or so, anyway.  So, I’m happy with my 45 day challenge, and now I’m moving into a regular daily practice with maybe one day off a week.

Here’s the progress I’ve seen:  definitely stronger overall, and my legs LOOK better (not quite as good as I want them to look, but they’re leaner & better defined than when I started).  My focus was on strengthening my legs above all, and that meant I went back the basics, even though I might have seemed like more of a beginner than I really was. 

Basic of all basics:  lock the damned knee.  Any Bikram yogi knows that’s the REAL mantra.  It’s an ego burner – my Standing Bow *seemed* better a year ago, but my knee was never locked, my leg would never have maintained good support – it’s just that I could get a better split with a loose standing leg so it looked prettier.  Oh well, I’m locking the knee now, so it’s slower going, but I can see the result:  I’m building stronger leg muscles, and my splayed-out feet are correcting (my legs are slowly realigning properly).  Physically, I look better than I ever have in my life.  And I look forward to having even leaner legs and a tighter butt as I continue my practice.

I know this daily challenge has jumpstarted my progress.  I’m further along in my practice than I would have been if I’d come back to the yoga after such a long break and only attended 3 to 4 times a week this past 6 weeks.  I’m very happy I committed to a personal challenge. 

Luckily, I’m not a Type A personality.  I can reach an appropriate stopping point, recognize my progress, continue my practice with reasonable breaks, and not feel like a total loser if others do more.  This practice is for me.  I want to be strong, healthy, and flexible – my goals are for me, not anyone else.

Back on track with 42

OK, I’m good with the yoga again. 

Yesterday, I forced myself to do a double just to get past all this crap that’s been scaring me.  Just to gut my way through the anxiety.  I’m glad I did.  It wasn’t a killer double, just to be clear – the first class was close to killer because I was practicing at the studio with lousy air circulation and the teacher didn’t manage that very well so it was huuuummmiiiiddd and hot and the air wasn’t moving; second class was being taught by my fave teacher (and good friend) so I knew I was okay to just do the standing series then leave if that’s what I needed to do.  And that’s what I did, Standing then hit the showers.  I had just enough of a second wind to do the first half of the class, and I felt good about it, so no guilt.

So today, though I was still feeling that temptation to not go, I went to the 4:30 at my regular studio.  Let’s remember the yoga adage, once more:  if you don’t want to go, that’s when you need to go.  We had a teacher who was new to me (she’s been teaching several years, just elsewhere) and was really great with corrections (which I love!).  I had a nice, normal class.  Not spectacular, not horrific.  Just normal.  Whew.  What a relief.  I was back to not really noticing the heat, did all the postures, and focused my attention on making little adjustments based on the dialogue and the teacher’s suggestions.  No trouble with air, no feelings of overwhelm.  Thank Krishna.

If I’m doing any kind of challenge now, this is Class 42.   

Got word today that the Advanced Seminar is cancelled.  I’m disappointed, but if it wasn’t meant to be this time, it just wasn’t meant to be.  If I’m supposed to go to a Bikram seminar, it’ll happen.

Return to the Hot Room

I returned to yoga today.  This would be Day 39 if I was feeling inclined to continue the count up to 60.  And I haven’t decided if it’s worth the pressure. 

The day off was a good idea.  I was able to complete the class, though not in any kind of gloriously graceful fashion.  But I did it.  I was nervous, even scared.  I almost managed to dawdle away the morning enough to where I might have missed it, but then I kicked myself in the ass and got in gear.  I knew what my fear-based mind was up to and decided I wasn’t having any of it.  Just GO.  Just do your yoga.  I’m almost embarrassed to say my hands were shaking as I was braiding my pigtails in preparation for class. 

Anyway, I was a little anxious in the first half of class – having trouble breathing.  But even though I couldn’t quite control the breathing, I knew it was just mental; I knew it was panic.  Worry that I was never going to get past Sunday’s horrible class, that I was going to have the same experience again and again.  That it would never get better.  But even though my Standing Series was not as strong as it’s been in the past week, it was okay, and by the time I got past Cobra (my point of collapse on Sunday), I knew I would be okay.  Maybe I wouldn’t kick ass, but at least I’d complete.  My only goal was completion.

No Yoga, No Peace. Know Yoga, Know Peace.

No Yoga today for me.  Whether or not that means No Peace remains to be seen.

I gave myself permission to take the day off.  I really looked at the past few classes, and yesterday’s travesty, and decided a day off was not a cop-out. 

I’ve been doing a lot of yoga, and Bikram really wrings stuff out of your deepest core.  Time to let it process a little without wringing more out.  Kind of like fasting when you’re sick.  Let the ick work its way through the system before throwing more on the pile.

I’m pondering some of the feelings & beliefs that have bubbled up:  incompetence, stupidity, lack of direction, weakness.  No conclusions to be drawn as of yet, just looking at them and letting them be there.

Ironically (or not), I faxed over my registration form for the Advanced Seminar in September.  And yes, I feel very anxious about it.  That’s where the feeling of stupidity comes from – if I can’t manage a regular class, WTF am I thinking signing up for the Advanced Seminar??  Talk about jumpstarting the Anxiety Bus. 

Oh, yeah, that’s right, I had that new mantra, didn’t I?  “Be Brave, Be Bold.”

Gah.

38 – WCE

That’s Worst Class Ever.

Today (yesterday by the time this posts) was possibly the most difficult class I’ve ever had.  When I went into the room it felt … hot.  Normally, I don’t mind the heat, don’t feel it intensely, but this time I really really … felt it.  My blood sugar level was fine as far as I could tell, and I was hydrated.  I made it through the Standing Series, not beautifully, not gracefully, but I made it through.  I had to sit out a few seconds in a couple of postures, but that was it.  But I felt vaguely uncomfortable and anxious throughout.  Then came the Floor Series, and whammo.  I began to panic a little.  I recognized it as panic and tried to talk myself down.  But I only made it as far as Cobra before I just couldn’t do it anymore.  I lay on my stomach, buried my face in my towel and cried my way through the rest of the back strengthening series before leaving the class.  I showered, and when the class was over I got my mat and went home. 

I didn’t want to go today.  I was anxious about it, after yesterday’s tears.  But I took strength from the standard Bikram Yoga adage that if you really don’t want to go to class, that’s when you really need to. 

I really really don’t want to go tomorrow.  It would be very easy to take tomorrow off.  And the day after that.  And after that.

37 thirty seven 37

Today was a tough class. 

Wait, back up:  yesterday, after doubling & feeling bad the night before, my Standing Series was the strongest it’s ever been, then I completely wilted during the Floor Series.  I simply could not get enough air.  It might have been the room, though, as I was at a studio I only rarely visit anymore, and the air circulation there is for shit.  The Good:  for the first time ever, I stayed balanced on one leg, both sides, both sets, Standing Head to Knee; for the first time ever, I stayed balanced on one leg, right side, both sets, Standing Bow, and only fell out once on the first set on the left.  So my legs were suddenly much stronger, which I’ve heard happens (suddenly overnight, breaking through or suddenly strong in postures that were weak).  The Bad:  no strength whatsoever after Cobra, and lots of trouble breathing.  I simply could not get enough air in my lungs.  I only did single sets of most of the postures after that.

Anyway, today was a tough class.  I came in feeling good, got up early, loaded up on fruit, arrived for the 10am class, sat in on a mini posture clinic for Spinal Twist – then immediately regretted it.  The studio owner was offering added instruction and help with that particular posture, and I jumped into practicing it, hoping for a little boost, since I have more trouble than I should with it.  Unfortunately, I came out of it in pain – I started class with pain in my hips, shoulders, knees, and lower back.  There’s a reason why it’s the last posture of the class – most of us really need to work up to it.  I’m not old, but I feel old when I’m trying to do Spine Twist.  My hips and shoulders are just too tight to really relax into it.  Yet.  And it was for naught, as I gained no insight into improving my efforts.  Alas.

So I started class cursing my stupidity, which moved quickly into anger and annoyance.  I went straight from a good mood into a lousy one.  My standing series was okay (not quite as strong as yesterday), not great, not bad.  At least, I completed that part of the class without feeling like a total failure, so things could have been much worse.  I fell out of Bow, but not Standing Head to Knee, so I was feeling very philosophical at that point about my day to day experience of balance.  I began to feel very tired at Triangle, but completed both sets, and didn’t sit out any Standing postures.  But I was feeling very much like I was just gutting it out rather than practicing, if that makes any sense at all.  I was just getting through it, not seeking peace, grace, or concentration.  Then came the Floor series.  By Cobra I wanted to leave.  I really wanted to leave.  It’s only the second posture!  I have a new thing – I get nauseous on the back strengthening series.  If I’m not having a good class, I’m nauseous during Cobra, Locust, Full Locust, and Floor Bow.  These are not easy postures when one is feeling great, but nausea takes them to a new level of hell.  The nausea is related to the back bending, but I can’t pinpoint what’s really going on.  So I stayed in Savasana during the second set of Locust, but – again – gutted through the rest.  And I just wanted to bolt.  I wanted to just get my stuff together and walk out.  I imagined myself doing it, ever and over - standing up, gathering my things, turning to the teacher and saying, “I’m sorry, I really have to leave.”  But I kept on going (badly).  Getting up out of Savasana just got tougher and tougher.  As lousy as I felt, and as palpable as that walk out the door felt, I just kept gutting through the postures. 

It was a strange class, to me – usually this studio is fairly disciplined, but today there was chit-chat all through class from some of the teachers who were practicing.  There was giggling, there was whispering, there were jokes.  And I usually enjoy the opportunity to smile or laugh in class, but not today.  I was struggling, I just wanted it to be over.  I couldn’t manage distractions.  My emotions were stirred up.  I couldn’t even identify them with certainty.  “Am I angry?  Am I depressed?  Do I want to cry?  Do I want to scream?  Do I want all these Chatty Cathies to just shut the fuck up??”  All of the above and then some?  Then we were at the final breathing exercise.  But then there was discussion over whether or not to open the door!  Again with the back-and-forth between teachers and chit-chat.  I finally mumbled aloud, “Can we just get this done, please?” 

Sigh.  Then it was done.  And I lay down in Final Savasana and realized I really did want to cry.  I rolled over and sobbed into my sweaty face towel.  And then the anger rose up higher – the Chatty Cathies were just sitting there right next to me laughing and giggling away.  The gall!  The insensitivity!  Take it to the lobby!  Some of us are having a meltdown here.  At which point I realized I was perfectly capable of getting my stuff together and leaving the room, so what difference does it make if the people next to me had a good class and want to talk?  Just do your yoga.  I had a good cry when I found a better place for it.

I still don’t know what it was all about.  I’m still sorting it out.  But things feel better after a cry.  It’s not the first time, it won’t be the last.

Toughen up

I’m trying to adjust my attitude of weakness to one of strength.  I’m trying to toughen up.  I’ve committed to the Advanced Seminar in September, going with a friend (and favorite teacher) so we each can count on sharing a room with a ‘known factor’, so to speak. 

As a way to kickstart the attitude adjustment, I did a back-to-back double yesterday.  And I suck.  Well, that’s how I felt, anyway.  I realize this is a process that requires patience, but I was so frustrated and depressed by the time I left that I just wanted to cry. 

It seemed at the time that all my practice did was bring home just how weak I am, how I simply *can’t* do the yoga.  Stop telling me to hold my heels from behind - I *can’t* hold my heels!  Stop telling me to flatten my back in forward stretching - I *can’t* flatten my back!  Stop telling me to bring my arms behind my ears – I *can’t* bring my arms behind my ears!  Stop telling me to lock the knee – I *am* locking the knee!!  That’s as locked as it gets!

How on earth am I going to do two yoga classes back-to-back for a week in Acapulco if I can’t even manage that one day out of ten?

So, that’s called negative self-talk.  Right?

I felt better this morning.  I realized that most of the physical pain I felt after the second class last night … was gone.  In fact, I felt less stiff & sore waking up this morning than I have in a week.  Yes, still sore, still stiff … but less so.  This was a pleasant surprise.  Very pleasant. 

I had a really good cry a couple of nights ago – about weakness and incompetence.  Sometimes, I have this sense that I’m not capable of taking care of myself, that being alone is bad for me because I can’t really look out for myself very well.  That I’m weak and incompetent.  That came up very strongly, I cried a bit, then slept. 

Then yesterday I decided to buck up, toughen up, work harder at my yoga practice, prove to myself that I’m strong and capable, drown out that voice telling me I’m weak.  Then I felt weak all through practice and after.  So I got to look at that again, feel badly, cry some more.  Maybe it’s just something that needs to be *seen* periodically.  Look at it, feel it, keep feeling it until the feeling itself fades into weakness and disappears.

By the way, the double puts me at 36 classes today (I’ll go in a couple of hours).