Tears and then Yoga

I’m still on my 60 Day Challenge, but I had a little time off.  I took a total of 3 days off (two in a row, back on for one, then one more off) over this past week.  I did a double today to start trying to catch back up.  I’m not terribly worried about it, as I’ve got plenty of time to complete.  I’ve done 21 classes now in 23 days. 

I just wasn’t quite up for the effort of taking my yoga seriously this past week.  I was crying a lot, and chanting a lot, crying a bit more, then meditating a bit more.  I came to some interesting (to me) realizations about myself, as is usually the case when these episodes happen.  Every spiritual crisis leads to further understanding about one’s self, as well as one’s Self.  But I just couldn’t quite bring myself to commit myself fully to the physical practice of yoga. 

And, not at all ironically, once I’d reached a realization or two, miraculously my yoga practice was back on track today.  Last week, I felt like I was working backwards, losing strength & flexibility that had taken months to gain, and experiencing pain in nearly every part of my body.  By yesterday, most of my physical aches were gone (except for the hips, which are sore sore sore, not unexpectedly, from their slow but steady realignment, and as uncomfortable as it is, I know it’s a Good Thing – and the shoulders, which are the very TIGHT bane of my yogic existence, and which hopefully one day will actually release).  But all the other pain, head to toe, in nearly every joint, had cleared. 

Yes, we do store emotions in our bodies, don’t we?

Why oh why did I sign up for the challenge?

I’m sure everyone on a 60 Day Challenge (or more) eventually asks this question. 

This past several days it’s been nothing but frustration and disappointment.  I’m going backwards.  Less flexible, less strong, less balanced, more pain.  As with my last challenge, I’m discovering soreness in places than never hurt before; worse, though, is that pain I thought I’d moved past has returned for an extended visit.  I’m definitely taking Friday off, even though it means another double down the road.  I don’t care, I think my body wants a day off.  But there’s still tomorrow to work through.

What I want to believe is that it’s always darkest before the dawn:  that feeling like I’m going backwards is just a sign that my body is shifting into a new phase, that I’m going to walk into class one day soon to discover that something in my practice has just blossomed overnight, and that all this frustration was in preparation for something.

A girl can dream …

60 Day Challenge

I committed to a 60 Day Challenge at my home Bikram Yoga studio (Bikram Yoga Elk Grove). 

I waited until the last possible minute to sign up for this Challenge (the studio is sponsoring the challenge, which means there’s a semi-official start date, and many of the students are doing the Challenge at the same time, thus creating a supportive environment for a daily commitment to a life-changing yoga practice), ’cause I wasn’t sure I wanted to do another one so soon, but I guess I do - and I started earlier than most folks (September 1st).

Anyway, just finished class #8 (only 52 more to go!  but it’s better not to look at it that way.).  Just barely a week in, and I’m experiencing ‘first week soreness’.  Which is strange, because it’s not like I’m back for the first week in a long time, or in my very first week of classes.  I’ve been practicing nearly every day for months.  Is it the mental ‘challenge’ attached to the commitment to an official ‘Challenge’ creating this?

No Yoga, No Peace. Know Yoga, Know Peace.

No Yoga today for me.  Whether or not that means No Peace remains to be seen.

I gave myself permission to take the day off.  I really looked at the past few classes, and yesterday’s travesty, and decided a day off was not a cop-out. 

I’ve been doing a lot of yoga, and Bikram really wrings stuff out of your deepest core.  Time to let it process a little without wringing more out.  Kind of like fasting when you’re sick.  Let the ick work its way through the system before throwing more on the pile.

I’m pondering some of the feelings & beliefs that have bubbled up:  incompetence, stupidity, lack of direction, weakness.  No conclusions to be drawn as of yet, just looking at them and letting them be there.

Ironically (or not), I faxed over my registration form for the Advanced Seminar in September.  And yes, I feel very anxious about it.  That’s where the feeling of stupidity comes from – if I can’t manage a regular class, WTF am I thinking signing up for the Advanced Seminar??  Talk about jumpstarting the Anxiety Bus. 

Oh, yeah, that’s right, I had that new mantra, didn’t I?  “Be Brave, Be Bold.”

Gah.

38 – WCE

That’s Worst Class Ever.

Today (yesterday by the time this posts) was possibly the most difficult class I’ve ever had.  When I went into the room it felt … hot.  Normally, I don’t mind the heat, don’t feel it intensely, but this time I really really … felt it.  My blood sugar level was fine as far as I could tell, and I was hydrated.  I made it through the Standing Series, not beautifully, not gracefully, but I made it through.  I had to sit out a few seconds in a couple of postures, but that was it.  But I felt vaguely uncomfortable and anxious throughout.  Then came the Floor Series, and whammo.  I began to panic a little.  I recognized it as panic and tried to talk myself down.  But I only made it as far as Cobra before I just couldn’t do it anymore.  I lay on my stomach, buried my face in my towel and cried my way through the rest of the back strengthening series before leaving the class.  I showered, and when the class was over I got my mat and went home. 

I didn’t want to go today.  I was anxious about it, after yesterday’s tears.  But I took strength from the standard Bikram Yoga adage that if you really don’t want to go to class, that’s when you really need to. 

I really really don’t want to go tomorrow.  It would be very easy to take tomorrow off.  And the day after that.  And after that.

37 thirty seven 37

Today was a tough class. 

Wait, back up:  yesterday, after doubling & feeling bad the night before, my Standing Series was the strongest it’s ever been, then I completely wilted during the Floor Series.  I simply could not get enough air.  It might have been the room, though, as I was at a studio I only rarely visit anymore, and the air circulation there is for shit.  The Good:  for the first time ever, I stayed balanced on one leg, both sides, both sets, Standing Head to Knee; for the first time ever, I stayed balanced on one leg, right side, both sets, Standing Bow, and only fell out once on the first set on the left.  So my legs were suddenly much stronger, which I’ve heard happens (suddenly overnight, breaking through or suddenly strong in postures that were weak).  The Bad:  no strength whatsoever after Cobra, and lots of trouble breathing.  I simply could not get enough air in my lungs.  I only did single sets of most of the postures after that.

Anyway, today was a tough class.  I came in feeling good, got up early, loaded up on fruit, arrived for the 10am class, sat in on a mini posture clinic for Spinal Twist – then immediately regretted it.  The studio owner was offering added instruction and help with that particular posture, and I jumped into practicing it, hoping for a little boost, since I have more trouble than I should with it.  Unfortunately, I came out of it in pain – I started class with pain in my hips, shoulders, knees, and lower back.  There’s a reason why it’s the last posture of the class – most of us really need to work up to it.  I’m not old, but I feel old when I’m trying to do Spine Twist.  My hips and shoulders are just too tight to really relax into it.  Yet.  And it was for naught, as I gained no insight into improving my efforts.  Alas.

So I started class cursing my stupidity, which moved quickly into anger and annoyance.  I went straight from a good mood into a lousy one.  My standing series was okay (not quite as strong as yesterday), not great, not bad.  At least, I completed that part of the class without feeling like a total failure, so things could have been much worse.  I fell out of Bow, but not Standing Head to Knee, so I was feeling very philosophical at that point about my day to day experience of balance.  I began to feel very tired at Triangle, but completed both sets, and didn’t sit out any Standing postures.  But I was feeling very much like I was just gutting it out rather than practicing, if that makes any sense at all.  I was just getting through it, not seeking peace, grace, or concentration.  Then came the Floor series.  By Cobra I wanted to leave.  I really wanted to leave.  It’s only the second posture!  I have a new thing – I get nauseous on the back strengthening series.  If I’m not having a good class, I’m nauseous during Cobra, Locust, Full Locust, and Floor Bow.  These are not easy postures when one is feeling great, but nausea takes them to a new level of hell.  The nausea is related to the back bending, but I can’t pinpoint what’s really going on.  So I stayed in Savasana during the second set of Locust, but – again – gutted through the rest.  And I just wanted to bolt.  I wanted to just get my stuff together and walk out.  I imagined myself doing it, ever and over - standing up, gathering my things, turning to the teacher and saying, “I’m sorry, I really have to leave.”  But I kept on going (badly).  Getting up out of Savasana just got tougher and tougher.  As lousy as I felt, and as palpable as that walk out the door felt, I just kept gutting through the postures. 

It was a strange class, to me – usually this studio is fairly disciplined, but today there was chit-chat all through class from some of the teachers who were practicing.  There was giggling, there was whispering, there were jokes.  And I usually enjoy the opportunity to smile or laugh in class, but not today.  I was struggling, I just wanted it to be over.  I couldn’t manage distractions.  My emotions were stirred up.  I couldn’t even identify them with certainty.  “Am I angry?  Am I depressed?  Do I want to cry?  Do I want to scream?  Do I want all these Chatty Cathies to just shut the fuck up??”  All of the above and then some?  Then we were at the final breathing exercise.  But then there was discussion over whether or not to open the door!  Again with the back-and-forth between teachers and chit-chat.  I finally mumbled aloud, “Can we just get this done, please?” 

Sigh.  Then it was done.  And I lay down in Final Savasana and realized I really did want to cry.  I rolled over and sobbed into my sweaty face towel.  And then the anger rose up higher – the Chatty Cathies were just sitting there right next to me laughing and giggling away.  The gall!  The insensitivity!  Take it to the lobby!  Some of us are having a meltdown here.  At which point I realized I was perfectly capable of getting my stuff together and leaving the room, so what difference does it make if the people next to me had a good class and want to talk?  Just do your yoga.  I had a good cry when I found a better place for it.

I still don’t know what it was all about.  I’m still sorting it out.  But things feel better after a cry.  It’s not the first time, it won’t be the last.

Toughen up

I’m trying to adjust my attitude of weakness to one of strength.  I’m trying to toughen up.  I’ve committed to the Advanced Seminar in September, going with a friend (and favorite teacher) so we each can count on sharing a room with a ‘known factor’, so to speak. 

As a way to kickstart the attitude adjustment, I did a back-to-back double yesterday.  And I suck.  Well, that’s how I felt, anyway.  I realize this is a process that requires patience, but I was so frustrated and depressed by the time I left that I just wanted to cry. 

It seemed at the time that all my practice did was bring home just how weak I am, how I simply *can’t* do the yoga.  Stop telling me to hold my heels from behind - I *can’t* hold my heels!  Stop telling me to flatten my back in forward stretching - I *can’t* flatten my back!  Stop telling me to bring my arms behind my ears – I *can’t* bring my arms behind my ears!  Stop telling me to lock the knee – I *am* locking the knee!!  That’s as locked as it gets!

How on earth am I going to do two yoga classes back-to-back for a week in Acapulco if I can’t even manage that one day out of ten?

So, that’s called negative self-talk.  Right?

I felt better this morning.  I realized that most of the physical pain I felt after the second class last night … was gone.  In fact, I felt less stiff & sore waking up this morning than I have in a week.  Yes, still sore, still stiff … but less so.  This was a pleasant surprise.  Very pleasant. 

I had a really good cry a couple of nights ago – about weakness and incompetence.  Sometimes, I have this sense that I’m not capable of taking care of myself, that being alone is bad for me because I can’t really look out for myself very well.  That I’m weak and incompetent.  That came up very strongly, I cried a bit, then slept. 

Then yesterday I decided to buck up, toughen up, work harder at my yoga practice, prove to myself that I’m strong and capable, drown out that voice telling me I’m weak.  Then I felt weak all through practice and after.  So I got to look at that again, feel badly, cry some more.  Maybe it’s just something that needs to be *seen* periodically.  Look at it, feel it, keep feeling it until the feeling itself fades into weakness and disappears.

By the way, the double puts me at 36 classes today (I’ll go in a couple of hours).

32 of ??

Well, I’m still Bikram-ing.  Haven’t stopped.  I took Sunday off, ’cause I needed to spend some time on the road that day, so missed classes.  Since I completed my 30 a day ahead, I figured No Harm No Foul.  I’m still planning on a daily practice until I leave for Hawaii on the 14th of August, but I’m still not seriously committing to a full 60 Day Challenge as that would require 8 doubles, even if I don’t miss a single day.  That said, I’ll push it as far as I can, and see how close I can get while still taking good care of myself. 

I’m in a new phase in my yoga:  the OW phase.  I took one day off and when I came back on Monday it felt like I’d been out for a month.  I’m sore in joints I’ve never even FELT before.  I’m looking at this as Bikram Challenge Phase 2 (BCP2, for short).  The first 30 days were about attitude, strengthening, beginning to release stiff joints and muscles – learning to be disciplined, and learning to keep going despite setbacks.  This next phase is about actually changing my body.  And this is not just one of Dev’s flights of fancy – I’ve been talking to veterans of the yoga and the challenge, and they confirm.  My hips are killing me – I actually come close to tears in what is possibly the easiest Floor Posture:  Wind Removing Pose.  And my knees, which have NEVER bothered me in my life, are feeling just a mite hurty.  And of course, my thighs have that dull ache. 

But I am seeing this all as GOOD.  My priority in committing to daily practice was to strengthen my legs – and that’s what’s happening.  I gained 4 lbs in the past couple of weeks (once I changed my diet), and that’s been muscle.  So I’ve finally gained a bit of muscle in my legs, and burned away some flab, and begun to develop strength in the inner thighs.  I came to yoga with duck feet – my feet turn out.  What that means, internally, is that the outer hip flexors were stronger than the inner flexors.  My hips are hurting, deep inside, because the inner flexors are beginning to pull on the thigh.  This is a Good Thing.  My legs are realigning.  I can tell.  Standing with my feet straight (rather than flaring out) is more automatic for me now.  My knees are hurting a little because of this realignment process – currently, because the feet are straight, the knees point inward a bit.  Again, because the feet were splayed, the rest of the legs adjusted accordingly.  So, everything’s tightening, straightening, moving.  Muscles that have been virtually unused are now coming to life.  I set the groundwork in the first thirty days of daily practice (and of course during the months of less consistent practice), and now the phase of body rebuilding and realignment can begin.  i don’t like hurting, believe me, but I’m looking forward to learning how my body feels and moves (and looks!) after this phase is well underway.

Progress:  well, the Floor Series is not exactly easy now (not that it was a walk in the park before, but there were poses that were painless before that aren’t now), and I’m really feeling the changes in Wind Relieving, Half Tortoise, Spinal Twist, well pretty much any posture where my hips will be contracted close to my body.  Also, although I’m sure my shoulders are ultimately working on releasing, they are currently sore as can be, and seem to me to be as tight as ever – though I can see incremental releasing during Half Moon, when my arms are over my head.  I can see my arms are a little further back and a little closer to my ears than they used to be, but it’s such slow progress on that … I get a bit frustrated. 

On the up side, my Triangle is stronger and stronger (!!!) and I’m solid (no falling) going in and out of Standing Separate Head to Knee.  Again, signs of leg strength!  My Toe Stand comes and goes (I get in and out no problem, but I can’t always count on actually being able to stay balanced on the toes).

OK, other benefits (to counteract the complaints in this post):  my skin is so much happier now that I get humidity, heat, and a good daily Bikram sweat.  My pores get cleaned out, and the blood & nutrients rushing to the surface heal any little blemishes that my be threatening to start.  My skin tends toward dryness & sensitivity, and the daily sweat & humidity has been a godsend.  Even my hands are soft – I’m a semi-compulsive hand washer and they’ve been dry and cracking for years.

My digestion is better.  I know I’ve alluded in previous posts to digestive issues, and they are not miraculously gone, but what I have noticed is that if I’m feeling a little ‘off’ before class, I’m fine by the time it’s over.  In the past, I would talk myself out of practicing if my stomach was a little upset – I just didn’t want to go into that room if I wasn’t totally on my game – by committing to a daily practice, I’ve had to go in there whether I felt off, on, sideways, whatever, and almost invariably I felt better physically after.  There are exceptions, but most of the time, a little indigestion or upset stomach doesn’t throw me off my practice – it’s no longer a good excuse to miss class. 

Which brings me to:  neurotic girl.  Yes, I am neurotic.  Yes, I have a lot of chatter going on in my head.  Yes, I worry about things that non-neurotics don’t worry about.  Yes, I have been known to allow others to steal my peace.  The yoga has helped.  In the past, I would watch others and compare myself to them unfavorably, then my internal chatter would keep up the noise and I’d feel inferior to the others around me.  Or, just as bad, I would compare myself FAVORABLY, and build myself up that way.  Either way, it’s Ego.  The yoga has helped.  I used to allow my focus to be lost if someone else in the room fell out of a posture, or if the teacher walked by me while I was in a balancing posture.  My mantra now is ‘Just do your yoga’, because those distractions just pull me away from what I’m there to do.  So my concentration has improved.  I used to worry that I couldn’t be at the front of the room (right in front of the mirror) because I wasn’t ‘good enough’, that I couldn’t risk letting anyone else see what I was doing until I was ‘perfect’.  I threw that thought away a while ago.  The mirrors are for everyone.  The mirrors are to help us see ourselves as we are, and they are tools to help us improve our practice.  I love being in front now.  I like to be able to see my own eyes, focus, correct my alignment, notice my improvements.  Sometimes I suspect I inspire newer students who otherwise wouldn’t come anywhere near to the front of the room otherwise, by being willing to ’suck’ right there in the front of the room.  I love to occasionally look at others during practice, see who has a beautiful Standing Bow, who has wonderful alignment in Half Moon (so that I can emulate it), see who is fairly new & struggling but still willing to give everything to the practice.  I’m inspired by those who struggle but keep coming back, and I’m inspired by those who come in with a beautiful practice that drives me to work harder.  I rarely compare myself to anyone else anymore.  My practice is my practice - good, bad, mediocre, it’s my own. 

I’m learning that one very meaningful possibility with the heat is this:  it might just burn away Ego.

30 classes in 29 days

For me, this is no small achievement.  I made my 30 Day Challenge a day early.  I haven’t committed to a 60 Day Challenge – I’m going to Hawaii on what would be day 54, so a 60 Day Challenge would demand several doubles, and I’m not ready to commit to that right now.  But I will continue a regular daily practice nonetheless, and if I find I’m close enough to possibly make 60 classes in close to 60 days, I might Just Do It to do it.  Today, in my 30th straight class, I can finally say I locked the knees and held them for all of Standing Head to Knee (both legs, both sets!).  This is notable improvement for me, and I felt almost strong.  Class today was much better than yesterday, when I felt like crap from opening pranayama to final savasana.  It was nice to close out this commitment feeling at least a little bit better than the past few days, and at least a little bit stronger than where I started. 

Right now, I’m seriously considering going to the Advanced Seminar in September.  I figure it may be the only realistic opportunity I ever have to take classes directly from the man himself (Bikram).  It’s held once a year and I don’t have the slightest idea where I’ll be or what I’ll be doing next year or, well, any year thereafter.  And I simply cannot imagine going to Teacher Training (which would be the other likely option for having the ‘Bikram experience’), as I don’t think the schedule and insane ‘routine’ would be conducive to my health.  Two classes a day I could probably manage, but the lack of sleep and minimal opportunities for regular mealtimes would definitely make me physically ill.  So the one-week Advanced Seminar is very, very tempting.

100 days?

Apparently, 30 days ain’t nuthin.  Used to be the standard, but no more.  I learned a few months ago that the 60 Day Challenge is now the ’standard’ Bikram challenge.  And now, that’s being superseded by the 100 Day Challenge.  Oy.

So, as proud as I am of holding to this 30 day commitment, and as humbly grateful as I am for having developed this modicum of discipline, I am still, apparently, a wimp. 

Alas.  Well, there’s always one further aspiration, isn’t there?